so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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