I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
