first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My day in three words: secret purse cake
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
