I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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