youre lurking in front of me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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