Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize
