you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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