first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
