you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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