I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize