I cut my penus on the lid.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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