dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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