When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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