I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
