Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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