I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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