don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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