hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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