Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
