I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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