this just has baby written all over it
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
