Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
