happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
