She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
