I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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