i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Im part way to drunk.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
