oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
