KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
