Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
