i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
