I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
