If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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