I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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