FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
