Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
