the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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