in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
