Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
