I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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