Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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