i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
