And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
