my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You've changed since you got that strap on
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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