haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
