Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
