We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
