we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
my liver is dry heaving
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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