Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
