so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We got so high we made milksteak
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
