please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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