i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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