It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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