I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
