Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just high enough for therapy.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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