I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
