Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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