I think im going to throw up on grandma
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
