I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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