The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
