Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize