Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
