dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
