We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
