i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
